Sunday, 29 September 2013

Porn-Education (1976-1979)

More rare screenshots this week.

In 1976 the Scarfolk Board of Education was faced with a problem: Children weren't educated enough to be able to learn anything, thus benefit from education.

Teenagers had lost all interest in schooling and spent their time indulging themselves in popular teenybopper pop groups such as The Wittgenstein Rollers and Arnold & the Schoenbergs.

To counter this apathy, the Board of Education decided to take advantage of the recent relaxing of film censorship and the rise of sexploitation.

From September 1976 they delivered the school curriculum via a series of feature-length pornographic films. In particular they wanted to enliven maths and English topics and to "put some lead back in the pencil" of pedagogy, as the minister for education, Tom Stiph, put it.

School attendance rose by 42% in less than six months, as did the birth rate.

Below are three of the long-lost maths and English, so-called 'Porn-Ed' films, as certified by the BBFC (British Board of Film Censorship).

Other films included:
"Debbie Does Differential Geometry" (1976)
"Lady Pythagoras' Love Triangle" (1977)
"HomoPhone Sex Operators" (1977)
"Vital Statistics and Alge-bra Overflows" (1977)
"Homonympho Grown-up Groans" (1978)
"Homonympho 2: Whole Holes Meet Man Meat" (1979)

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Saturday, 21 September 2013

"Seducing Students & Secretaries" (BBC 1, 1977)

In 1977 BBC Scarfolk broadcast a 'schools and colleges' series that prepared children for the world of work awaiting them. The programme was aimed at boys aged between eight and twelve (girls, of course, weren't allowed to watch such programmes because they interfered with weekly domestic servility exams).

"Seducing Students & Secretaries" focused on one of the more important aspects of employment; that of cornering and ensnaring female employees or students for personal gratification.
Based on his book "How To Get the Lady Beneath You Beneath You" (Pelican Books, 1974), Dr. Hugh Schaime (seen below) presented the programme and taught prospective bosses, in a classroom environment, how best to exploit their positions of power in the workplace.

His course covered subjects such as 'how to make women believe that an uninvited kiss is a compulsory dental exploration.' He also tutored obstinate female employees, teaching them how to submit with grace.

The programme was particularly memorable for its title sequence which featured a butcher preparing meat, something that Dr. Schaime felt was a perfect metaphor for the knowledge he imparted for over fifty years.

The programmes were accidentally erased by the BBC in 1979, but we do still have a selection of screenshots, as you can see below.

Friday, 13 September 2013

Happy Friday the13th from Scarfolk Coven!

Everyone at Scarfolk Coven would like to you wish you all the best for today, Friday the 13th. So mote it be, dear citizens, so mote it be.

"Scarfolk Coven: Where every Friday is Friday the 13th"

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Thursday, 12 September 2013

"Patient #249" EEG Recording 01.11.1977

In 1977 Scarfolk Clinic conducted sleep experiments on a local boy known only as 'Patient #249'. He suffered from severe nightmares and developed a rare condition known as 'manifest hypnagogia'.

Symptoms include the physical manifestation of hallucinations that sufferers endure between sleep and waking states. For example, Patient #249 frequently awoke to find, sitting on the end of his bed, a syphilitic, deformed Victorian clown eating trifle and pig's liver pâté. At other times, a confused sewing machine salesman from the Midlands would appear. Patient #249's parents found this inconvenient.

Doctors observed Patient #249 at home and wired his brain to an EEG, which they attached to a Bontempi electric keyboard. They wanted to record what Patient #249's brain was doing and translate it into music. In the recording you'll hear the TV in the background before Patient #249's unconscious brain takes over and he slips into a hypnagogic state.

Thursday, 5 September 2013

Falling Disorder (mid-1970s)

In the mid-1970s, Scarfolk was under pressure from the government to investigate a high incidence of suicides and tourist deaths in the region.* In 1974 alone there were 356 cases.

The mayor appointed the council-funded Scarfolk College, which was run by Dr. James Marde, the mayor's "bestest friend in the whole wide world," to help conduct the enquiry.

A trained psychologist, Dr. Marde soon identified a hitherto unknown condition, which he named Falling Disorder. It was this, he insisted, that was responsible for the many inexplicable demises.

According to Marde, Falling Disorder led the sufferer to tie their hands behind their own back and hurl themselves from high places.

The discovery appears to have made a considerable impact because council statistics showed that there were zero official reports of suicides or unlawful deaths in 1975, and the government was appeased. However, there were approximately 360 new cases of terminal Falling Disorder.

*For a related post go here to learn about 'Scarfolk Drop'.